Are
you anxious? I'm anxious. I can't help it, I've always been this
way. I can't be sure but I think it's my brain punishing me because
I've stopped feeding it television for five minutes and asked it to
help me behave like a productive member of society. It gets up to all
sorts and I've just got to roll with it. Now, I'm not talking about
things that get on my nerves here, I'm talking about heart-pounding,
palm sweating anxiety. I've got the same big worries as everybody
else, but this isn't about the obvious- keys, passport, dying alone.
I'm talking about the everyday things that most people take for
granted. The very things that (I have decided) allow me to be the
creative and empathetic (or as my brother puts it, “ridiculous”)
person that I am.
In no particular order:
Dying
in a plane crash without first having cleaned my house. Out of
diligence, I've organized a friend to stash my vibrators before my
family comes through, but for some reason the vacuuming seems a lot to
ask, I guess because in a way it is like asking them to lie about my
entire character. “Tell people I was the kind of person that would
never, ever go on vacation with shit stains in her toilet.”
Videos,
Vines, GIFs and pop-up ads that autoplay and basically anything that
makes me break into a sweat trying to locate the little box-closey x
on the screen. Why? Why? I'd be less stressed out diffusing a bomb
using IKEA instructions than I am getting a page of GIFs to please
just stop fucking GIFing already! Sometimes it is not an x at all!
Sometimes you have to locate the word 'close' in invisible letters
and sometimes you even have to do a quiz just to see a stupid recipe
for something that ends up requiring a double-boiler or full fat-milk
as if I am ever going to buy any of those! Where is that music even
coming from? Burn it all!
Self-flush
toilets (do you sense a theme?) that flush repeatedly while I am on
the can but mysteriously not when I stand up. Automatic sinks that
won't give me water despite the complicated rain dance I am offering
up. I've tried voguing, jazz hands, disappearing thumb trick.
There's nothing for it. One time in the work bathroom I screamed I AM
NOT INVISIBLE at the sinks and they let me go home early.
Math
Calling
in sick. Calling anybody on the phone in general but especially if I
need a favour as though giving me a sick day is a favour and not
something my company is interested in doing rather than having me
infect the rest of the staff which is what I usually opt for because
I can't muster the nerve to make the call.
Take-out
restaurants judging the size or healthfulness of my order. Actually,
we can scratch this one. It doesn't bother me so much anymore which I
guess is a sign that I'm growing or I've given up. Let's call it a
win either way.
Having
to quickly choose between the door-open and door-close buttons on the
elevator. Panic induced arrow dyslexia, I'll stick out a leg or an
arm and risk amputation rather than offend a neighbour.
I'm
afraid to eat hard candy in my house by myself because I don't think
I'll have the nerve to heimlich myself if I choke and by the time I
work up the courage to ask a neighbour for help I'd probably be cold
and blue and dead and for what, a Polo? That's not even that
delicious.
Punctuation
in and around quotation marks, and possessive and plurals of things
ending in s. I can google the correct usage all day but can never
shake the self-consciousness. I don't even want to talk about it.
I
get scared that the part of my brain that tells me not to jump off a
balcony or subway platform or to not yell out during a play will
malfunction. I suppose I could look up the science behind this but
in some cases the more information you have, the more things you find
to terrify you so perhaps one of you should do it and please only
tell me if this is an absolute impossibility. Well? Is it?
Look, I
know very well that if these are the worst things that happen to me
in a day that I am, as they say on Instagram, #blessed. But they
still weigh on me, knotting up my shoulders and furrowing my brow. I
can't help it, but I can choose to instead focus on how my day is
filled with a million little victories. Nobody else in the world may
give themselves grey hairs screaming at the contestants on Jeopardy
for choosing the questions from the bottom first but nobody else gets
to feel this amazing for calculating a tip or taking a Ricola, which
I guess you could kind of argue is my brain's way of giving me a little
treat for getting out from in front of the television for five
minutes.