here

here but not here

your face in the morning has no effect and though i cannot hate you, i still wonder what i'm doing here

watching you sleep your fat head and laboured fucked up breathing in this cluttery shithole so different than my imagination

you penetrate and here still i can't complain but you are still not here

i suck in my breath and see in your eyes how genuinely happy you are for me

and i believe it

sweet boy

that you like to see me happy

that you like me

indulge me

your strong arms hands fingers drape dwarf my side curl up under my breasts i do like when we spoon sleep it makes me feel like a woman

falling asleep sticky exhausted with your hot breath cooling my hotter neck

and i do love you, gratefully

but behind your eyes all i can see is friendly insecurity

here but not here

i trust your simplicity

but still wonder what the fuck am i doing here

not here

giggling good time

make me laugh

i make you a closed book

but in the morning you seem no more complex than the junior jumble

we part you are intricate immaculate meticulous

as innocent as the boy i sleep beside

and as wise as the man that guides me smilingly through the train station

but you are as lost as i am

even more so because you cannot recognize your own loneliness

do me a favour and hope it can be something more than just a favour

but in the morning

i awake contented

and wait for you to wake up

so that i can go home

and take a shower

waiting

waiting

wondering

what was it i was doing here

so here we are

upright eye to eye

without anger

without complaint

pseudo passionate

and physically perfect

i never told you it wasn't enough

because it's not something that should be said aloud

sweet boy

wonderful provider

and while it's still cold outside

i won't rise in the night

to leave or unappreciate you

but while i face you

i wonder hope

you may be trying to tell me

it isn't enough

wait

wonder

i close my eyes your kiss is like home

my shoulders hips familiar terrain

i glide slim fingers about your buddha belly

and the wind howls outside your dirty window

a mocking song that draws me closer to your heat

desperate

but i don't clutch

you don't clutch

understood

once again

that it's going to be a long morning